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The Funny Things in Life Humor

 
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God's Warrior
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Location: Southern - USA

PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:26 pm    Post subject: The Funny Things in Life Humor  Reply with quote

Humor about the Funny Things in Life

Handy Tips for Life
(God's Warrior note: Not to be taken seriously....please)

DIET TIP:
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

FINANCE TIP:
Save on electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

FINANCE TIP:
Save on gasoline by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

HOUSEHOLD TIP:
Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

HOUSEHOLD TIP:
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:
At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Buy a television set exactly like your neighbors. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: During rush hour, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!" "I won!" "3rd time this week!"

PARKING TICKETS:
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

PERSONAL HYGEINE:
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

SAFETY TIP:
Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.

TRAVELING TIP:
Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.

TRAVELING TIP:
When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.


Last edited by God's Warrior on Mon Jan 27, 2014 11:23 am; edited 2 times in total
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God's Warrior
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Joined: 13 May 2006
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Location: Southern - USA

PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If You Love Someone . . .

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget
her.

Patient:
IF you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until
she comes back.

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
*If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat*

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....

Bill Gates:
If you love someone,Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for
re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free, She'll evolve.

Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull
distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.

Salesman:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".

Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show her the plan ....
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!

Physician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle
of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.

Mathematician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c
is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays' style:
If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!!

OR
PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL

If you love someone
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???
CARELESS IDIOT!!!
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God's Warrior
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Location: Southern - USA

PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Things That Irritate a Sane Person

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio, but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

People behind you in a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

When you need a salesperson, you can never find one.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
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God's Warrior
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Location: Southern - USA

PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You Know It Will Be a Bad Day When

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40...and you really are.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.
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God's Warrior
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to Chicago!

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.
If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago.
We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10.
The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, if you happen to be on the south side, possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic but be prepared to hear the horns from all the cars behind you because you didn't immediately start moving.
Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period!
First Ave, LaGrange Rd, Pulaski, NW Highway...all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.
If you are asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish.
In Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.
If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side, you'd better be armed.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is NOT ornamental.
The Eisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR.
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago time.
If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park.
If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25 to park in the "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard', run over him.
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God's Warrior
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 27, 2014 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE WINTER BOOTS

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,

'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?'

like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,

Now, where are your mittens?'

He said,

'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Deep thoughts

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light would your headlights work?

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