Pain

Sharran · Pain

"Pain. As a result of having had polio when I was a child, I have a conglomerate of obstacles, most of which live in my back: Spinal stenosis, arthritis, crazy discs, misaligned vertebra, pinched nerves, sciatica, palsied foot, atrophied muscles, and my foot drags the ground. I fall a lot, and try to not cry. Most of the time I forget about it, and other times I scream.

But there were the braces when I was little, when I lived with paralysis, and there were crutches and wheelchairs at times during my adulthood. About 6 or 7 years ago, when I declared surgery to not be an option...my choice because the percentages were not good in its favor... my neurosurgeon handed me over to a pain management program.

Just like clockwork, I have injections to the nerve root cell in my lower back, every 3 months. Used to be every 4 weeks, then 6, and now 12. Even the injections are so screamingly painful I have to be sedated for them. But they work, and only occasionally now do I have to revert to crutches or wheelchairs or help of any kind. But I never miss my injections, they are a part of my life. However, I had to give up cartwheels and back handsprings.

I think my dear doctor sedates me because he doesn't want to hear me scream and rant...and use words that paint the air around him blue. Whatever, it works.

My point is that we can adjust our lives to pain, it makes me more determined, I think. I know it is a shock to realize pain can't be halted, but I really don't know adult life without pain. I'm sorry to hear any of you have to go through this, and I hope you find ways to deal with it.

My friend, Biv, is dead on right. The secret is in outlook and attitude. It's just such a shock to discover it might be your constant companion for the rest of your days, I know. But it does bring out an inner strength that you might not know you have.

I'm not Pollyanna, and I know it's so very difficult to live with pain, especially when it's new and sudden. So I'll be wishing you well, and sending good strong thoughts your way. And I very much hope you'll find some sort of reasonable action you can take to help you through the bad times.

Good hopeful wishes to you today."

I wrote the above about a month ago. There is not a day that goes by that I am pain free. And I do not tolerate pain well. Some of you have read the article I wrote about my bout with polio and how my Granny Ninna and Aunt Bett spent more than a year working with me. Everyone else just waited for me to die, and I waited for death too. But I was only 4 and what did I know about death? It took me a long time before I could walk again, and when I was in my 40's...it all started over, and I have spent much time since then in various rehab centers..with canes and crutches and wheelchairs. At one time braces were considered. Again. It's true I am no Pollyanna...but I can tell you that it can be mastered, not forever, I know...but still, it can be mastered, one moment at a time...but it is a forever thing.

So don't be afraid to cry, and don't be afraid to cry all over us. Most of us harbor pain of one kind or another, whether it is physical or emotional...and we do understand. We can't carry the pain for you, but we can be here when you cry.

No kind of pain can be taken lightly...no kind. It is the epitome of hell sometimes. We simply do what we can do to survive every moment in the best way we can. I know one day I will not be able to walk...again...but until then, I will wring every drop of good out of every day of my life. I hope the very same for you, though your pain might be greater than mine.

I need to take my meds now, been putting that off because sometimes I have a fear that I will take that late night pain med and won't wake up. Isn't that silly? Still I do think of that. It still scares me that I would be no more, and no one would find me for days. I know that wouldn't really happen, because my neighbor Kay would be here in a heartbeat if the curtains didn't open, and now Richard calls me most mornings, so he might notice...still...it is a fear I have lived with for the past 2 years...what if nobody even knows I am gone.
Weird, huh? But there you have it.
Just remember, one moment at a time, that's all we are promised.

God's Warrior

Thank you so much for posting that for everyone. Those are truly wise words filled with caring and understanding thoughts for any and everyone who will read them. Beautiful!