Archive for The Gathering Place "The Gathering Place" is a web community where people can gather and make new friends, share ideas, enjoy a few laughs and learn about many interesting things together. It is a safe place where friends can correspond with each other about what they love.
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
God's Warrior
Santa Stats
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents)
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.
To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.
At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.
God's Warrior
For humor only. Not to be taken seriously.
Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxicity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who likes fruit cake anyway?
God's Warrior
Signs of Christmas
Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd."
A Texas jeweler store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000.
Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...
a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
God's Warrior
Christmas Songs for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -
Silent Night
God's Warrior
Christmas Humor for Dogs
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (dog version)
It was about time for Christmas, and all through the house
A creature was stirring, but it wasn't a mouse
I knew right away it was my wife's little pup,
She thought we were sleeping, and so she was up
The dog was a gift it was coercion, really,
A woman can pout, 'til a man gets downright silly.
And now the wife was snoozing she was really sacked out
She wouldn't have awoke from less than a shout.
Yes, her in her nightgown, I in my BVDs,
We had finally settled down to catch some Zs
When off in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
I rolled from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away down the hall, my head in a muddle,
I reached the kitchen...and stepped in a puddle.
The glow from a nightlight illuminated the room,
So how come I stumbled over the broom?
I fell in a sprawl, my legs were not stable.
On the way down, my nose hit the table.
My head was a spinnin' and when I came to rest
Four miniature dog feet stood on my chest.
With a lick and a bark, she bounded away,
Into the living room, she ran to play.
More rapid than mouses, that rat terrier ran,
Me on the follow, rolled newspaper in hand.
"Get off the new couch! Now let go of that curtain!
Ohhh...If I ever catch you, you're gonna' be hurtin'"
As winds of a Texas tornado do fly,
She spun round the room, down low and up high.
Then up on the countertop, that puppy went
She stopped for a second. I thought she was spent.
I make a quick lunge, she ducked me and then
Yawned when I dove through the flour bin.
As I drew out my head and was turning around,
She made for the presents, in a single bound.
I was covered with flour, from my head to my toes,
My robe in tatters, and blood on my nose.
A bag full of toys, she grabbed with glee
I nabbed her, I thought, but instead got the tree.
The ornaments, they broke, as they began to fall
The lights, how they fizzled, and that is not all.
When I reached for the plug, to turn the bulbs out,
What flowed through my body, but electricity, so stout!
As smoke encircled my head like a wreath,
That dog held my big toe, tight in her teeth.
"Skeeter," I moaned, "I give up. Oh, Skeet, I give in."
So she bit my swollen nose, and nipped at my chin.
She spoke not a word, but went back to work,
Down came the stockings it took just a jerk.
Then up from the hall, came the sound of feet,
Momma, it seemed was awake from her sleep.
"Now you'll get it pup," I announced with glee.
Then Skeeter walked over and put her little head on my knee.
She looked up at my wife - so innocent - and at me, so, so sad.
And it didn't take long, to know I'd been had.
Then came the wife's voice, so strong and so clear,
"Bill, you leave that puppy alone! You hear!"
And I exclaimed to myself, as they walked out with a strut,
"Don't leave any gifts, Santa just PICK UP THE MUTT!"
'The night before Christmas' was written by Bill McClellan
God's Warrior
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
It's true....Comet cleans sinks!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
How would you fire Santa?
Give him the sack...
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missle toe!
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate Claus.
If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be?
A Holly Davidson.
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?
Have an ice day!
What did one angel say to the other angel?
Halo there!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other Christmas tree?
I really go fir you!
What did Santa say when his toys misbehaved?
Toys will be toys.
What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!!
What did the grape say to the raisin?
'Tis the season to be jelly.
What do aliens say when they land in the North Pole?
Take me to your heater.
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards.
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
What do elves put on their candy canes?
Their tongues.
What do penguins ride?
Ice-Cycles.
What do the reindeer sing to Santa on his birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy claws.
What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
What do you call a snowman on roller blades?
Snow mobile.
What do you call the bells on Santa's sleigh?
Kringle bells.
What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Kringle.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues.
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".
What goes Ho-Thud, Ho-Thud, Ho-Thud?
Santa Claus jumping rope.
What happens when you drop a snowball into a glass of water?
It gets wet.
What is a computer's favorite Christmas carol?
Array in a Manger.
What is a skunk's favorite holiday song?
Jingle Smells.
What is black and white and found in the Sahara Desert?
A VERY lost penguin.
What is black and white and green and black and white?
Two penguins fighting over a pickle.
What is claustrophobia?
Fear of Santa.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
What is Frosty's favorite breakfast cereal?
Snow Flakes.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?"
Where do you go to get holly for Christmas?
The Holly-land.
Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree?
After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Why did Santa Claus take his Christmas tree to the dentist?
To get a root canal.
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said,"No L!"
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy.
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why is it so cold on Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrrrrrrr!
Why is the month of December so popular?
It has a lot of dates.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem
God's Warrior
For humor only. Not to be taken seriously:
Christmas Rum Cake
1 Tsp. Sugar
1 or 2 Quarts of Rum
1 Cup Dried Fruit
Brown Sugar
1 Tsp. Soda
1 Cup Butter
2 Large Eggs
1 Cup Baking Powder
3 Juiced Lemons
1 Cup of Nuts
Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed.
Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.
Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter).
Sample rum.
Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.
Check run again and bo to ged.
..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!
God's Warrior
Santa's New Contract
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the State of Texas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
God's Warrior
A few weeks before Christmas, a man asked his son what he wanted from Santa.
"I don't care, Dad, just as long as he doesn't bring me a bike!"
The man was taken aback. "Oh, it's okay, son. I bet Santa would bring you a bike if you asked really nicely."
The boy looked around furtively. "Nah, Dad, I don't need him. I found a bike hidden out in the garage last night!"
God's Warrior
Politically Correct Holiday Greetings
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;"
PLUS
"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher."
(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)
God's Warrior
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
