Christmas Humor

God's Warrior · Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 8:44 am Post subject: Christmas Humor

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus!

*Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
*While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
*Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
*While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact statue replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
*Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
*Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
*Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
*While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
*Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. Smile

" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
*Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
*Leave out a copy of your Christmas list to him with last-minute changes and corrections.
*While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
*Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
*Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
*Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
*Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
*Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
*Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us." Merry Christmas!

God's Warrior · Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 8:49 am Post subject:

'Twas the Day After Christmas
Author Unknown

'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the
house,

Every creature was hurting, even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;

Santa passed out with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons now covered the floor,

While upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Nikes and jeans,

Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the curtains and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a little white truck with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling so lively and grand;

The patch on his jacket said, "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills he grinned like a fox,

Then quickly he stuffed them into my mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill they still came,

Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Macys, now Penny's and Sears,

Plus Best Buy and Target and Bloomingdales here!

To the tip of your limit every store, every mall,

Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work,

He filled up the box, then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,

Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,

"ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE! YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

God's Warrior · Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 8:50 am Post subject:

Night Before Christmas - Modern Version

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To: santaclaus @ toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way.

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to Jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice oh so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

God's Warrior · Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 8:00 am Post subject:

Holiday Greetings

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 20 07, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

God's Warrior · Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 5:34 pm Post subject:

Southern Nativity Scene:

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar'."

God's Warrior · Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:05 pm Post subject:

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts, and
There would be Peace on Earth.

Author Unknown

God's Warrior · Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 3:19 pm Post subject:

A SENIOR CHRISTMAS
Author Unknown

'Twas the night before Christmas,
At Rock-Away Rest,
And all us seniors,
Were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly,
Our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice,
Plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped,
To each walker; in hope.
That Santa would bring us,
Soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky,
To be there with friends.
Secure in this residence,
And in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us,
Some Christmassy crafts.
Like angels in snowsuits,
And penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant,
Had borrowed our teeth.
And from them she'd crafted,
A holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny,
All stood in a row.
Reflecting our candle's,
Magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive,
The joy wouldn't stop.
Was warm creamy oatmeal,
With sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O,
So jiggly and great.
Then puree of fruitcake,
Was spooned on each plate.

The social director,
Then had us play games.
Like, "Where Are You Living?"
And, "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper,
Was feeling his oats.
Proclaiming that reindeer,
Were nothing, but goats.

Our resident wanderer,
Was tied to her chair.
In hopes that at bedtime,
She still would be there.

Security lights on,
The new fallen snow.
Made outdoors seem noon,
To the old folks below.

Then out on the porch,
There arose quite a clatter.
But, we were so deaf,
That it just didn't matter!

A strange little fellow,
Flew in through the door.
Then tripped on the sill,
And fell flat on the floor.

'Twas just our director,
All togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled,
And patted each head.

We knew from the way,
That he strutted and jived.
Our social security,
Checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang,
In our monotone croak.
Till the clock tinkled out,
It's soft eight p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling,
Deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed,
Nocturnal med's.

And so ends our Christmas,
At Rock-Away Rest.
'Fore long you'll be with us,
We wish you the best!

God's Warrior · Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 11:14 am Post subject:

Christmas Mental Disorders

1) SCHIZOPHRENIA-- DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?

2) AMNESIA-- I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

3) NARCISSISTIC-- HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING ABOUT ME

4) MANIC-- DECK THE HALLS AND WALLS AND HOUSE AND LAWN AND STREETS AND STORES AND OFFICE AND TOWN AND CARS AND BUSES AND TRUCKS AND TREES AND FIRE HYDRANTS AND...........

5) MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER-- WE THREE QUEENS DISORIENTED ARE

6) PARANOID-- SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO GET ME

7) BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER-- THOUGHTS OF ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

Cool

FULL PERSONALITY DISORDER-- YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I'M GONNA CRY, I'M GONNA POUT, MAYBE I'LL TELL YOU WHY

9) OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-- JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS

10) AGORAPHOBIA-- I HEARD THE BELLS ON CHRISTMAS DAY BUT WOULDN'T LEAVE MY HOUSE

11) SENILE DEMENTIA-- WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND MILES FROM MY HOUSE IN MY SLIPPERS AND ROBE

12) OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER-- I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS SO I BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE

13) SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER-- HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS WHILE I SIT HERE AND HYPERVENTILATE

14) ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER-- WE WISH YOU......HEY LOOK!! IT'S SNOWING!!!

God's Warrior · Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 10:04 pm Post subject:

Humorous Christmas Quotes

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip. Gary Allan

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger. Robert Paul

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants.
John Andrew Holmes

God put Santa Claus on earth to remind us that Christmas is 'sposed to be a happy time. Bil Keane

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.
Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs? G. K. Chesterton

A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing.

A goose never voted for an early Christmas.

About all you can do is dream of a white Christmas, for it seems like it always leaves most of us in the red.

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first — your money or your feet.

Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.

One of the nice things about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with a present.

One good thing about Christmas shopping — it toughens you for the January sales. Grace Kriley

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

The Christmas spirit that goes out with the dried-up Christmas tree is just as worthless.

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
P.J. O'Rourke

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry

Some businessmen are saying this could be the greatest Christmas ever. I always thought that the first one was. Art Fettig

Do give books — religious or otherwise — for Christmas. They're never fattening, never sinful, and permanently personal. Lenore Hershey

Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
Benny Hill

On Christmas day you can't get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore,
There's time to cheat him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four
Tom Lehrer

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you just because it's Christmas, there are other people who want to strangle you just because its Christmas Robert Lynd

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning

If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, wouldn't it be a Merry Christmas? Don Meredith

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. Kin Hubbard

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it's saying 'Buy Buy'. Robert Paul

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. Kin Hubbard